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Kenny’s immodest proposal

Blazers, the petty arguments in Congress have brought our government to a standstill. The war between Democrats and Republicans has become so bad that our country can no longer be productive. Fear not, however, for I have a solution that will allow our nation to move forward and without interruption by clubhouse politics.
America, we must kill off one of these political parties.
It might sound unsettling at first but the genius is in its simplicity. First, we need to have a special election to determine the most popular political party in America. As we have learned from “American Idol” and high school, popularity will accurately determine a party’s worth. The most popular party, in theory, must be more efficient at running the country than the other or else it wouldn’t be so popular.
Second, the voters under the losing party will have their voter registration removed for no less than eight years. This will give the losers enough time to attend new and mandatory government sponsored political seminars, which will teach them how to vote correctly. Losers who do not cooperate with these new policies will be labeled as traitors and be dealt with in a manner that best suits the newly elected dominant party.
For instance, the Republican Party will most likely execute designated traitors and use their corpses as a foundation of a great wall that will separate America and Mexico. Also, under the return of the Bush Tax Cut, the possessions of these traitors will be ceased and given to the rich.
Democrats, I assume, will probably harvest the organs of designated traitors in order to support their uncontested universal health care program. Perhaps they can also use them to start up stem-cell research again. Of course, the property of these traitors will be distributed among the poor, which will be legal under the conditions of the Democrat Tax Cut.
And if I can be so bold, I suggest that the Senators of the losing party be sacrificed in order to appease the great and powerful DOW. It’s not that I think it would work, but we seem to have exhausted all other ideas to stimulate the economy. If anything, this will solve our problem with Homeland Security. No group in the world would dare attack a country that sacrifices their own to the stock market Gods.
By now, I’m sure you have realized the genius of this proposal. Regardless of which party wins, America benefits. In this country, we are blessed with two strong political parties that can do no wrong. The only reason why we think they mess up is because both parties continue to sabotage one another in the political ring. However, that will become a thing of the past.
Whether it’s a nation of gun wielding, rich-awarding, insurance scams or a utopian system that takes our hand and taxes everything that isn’t good for us like an overprotective mother, America will finally be perfect.
And THAT, Sarah Palin, is sarcasm.

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3 comments

  1. Donovan,

    Are you familiar with Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”? Its pretty clear you aren’t, otherwise you’d understand the parallels between the two, the most obvious being the title. In “A Modest Proposal”, Swift used satire to outline serious social and political injustices in Great Britain and the United Kingdom as a whole. Do you understand satire either? I’m fairly certain you don’t, because many of Mr. Bush’s articles are satirical in some way.

    If you read the article as a serious political commentary, you’d conclude nothing more than the writer being a fool. However, with the understanding of the tone (see: satire), you would realize the writer is making many points about both parties and their shortcomings as well as our national media system.

    “As we have learned from “American Idol” and high school, popularity will accurately determine a party’s worth.”
    -Only a fool would think this is serious. Its a statement on how American Idol has a more dedicated following that most national, state, and local elections. Note that many people were upset about the State of the Union address scheduling because it could have conflicted with American Idol.

    “For instance, the Republican Party will most likely execute designated traitors and use their corpses as a foundation of a great wall that will separate America and Mexico. Also, under the return of the Bush Tax Cut, the possessions of these traitors will be ceased and given to the rich.”
    -I have a feeling this is the section that offended you most, which probably prompted your writing of this scathing review. However, the beauty of satire is pointing out the ridiculousness of society by exaggerating aspects. Many Conservative politicians and citizens want to see a US-Mexico Border Wall built, as well as a Fair Tax, which several liberal critics say favors the wealthy.

    “Democrats, I assume, will probably harvest the organs of designated traitors in order to support their uncontested universal health care program. Perhaps they can also use them to start up stem-cell research again. Of course, the property of these traitors will be distributed among the poor, which will be legal under the conditions of the Democrat Tax Cut.”
    -This is the exact same situation as before, just with the other party. Many Liberals want to push for stem-cell research as well as Universal Health Care, which Conservatives are fighting tooth and nail. Also, Liberals have been known for their tendencies to appeal to social welfare programs to aid the less fortunate, even when many abuse the system.

    “In this country, we are blessed with two strong political parties that can do no wrong.”
    -This should have been the clause that identified the article as satire (assuming you hadn’t realized it yet, which would be nothing short of unimaginable). Regardless of party affiliation, and not exclusive to the two major parties, if you believe your party is infallible you are wrong. Neither political party is perfect, nor are they entirely wrong. The main point of this article lies in the subtext of this line, showing that singular party rule will never succeed, and a balance is needed.

    “And THAT, Sarah Palin, is sarcasm!”
    -This was a two-purpose joke.
    1) To make fun of the Sarah Palin, Rahm Emanuel, Rush Limbaugh “retard” incident.
    and 2) To BOLDFACEDLY SAY THAT IT WAS SARCASM.

    However, I’m sure something as subtle as satire wouldn’t be lost on an intelligent man like yourself. It must boil down to either personal prejudice or an overdeveloped need to protect the party you represent.

    Jonathan Swift (1667-1745, 2010-??)
    Author: “A Modest Proposal”

  2. First, I would like to commend the Spectator staff, as their last several editions have been of much better quality. That said, I strongly encourage the editors to find someone else besides Mr. Bush to handle their political related stories and op-eds.

    This is not the first time he has demonstrated his severe lack of political knowledge. As the Chairman of the College Republicans, I know the members of our organization as well as our friends in the College Democrats, in addition to all dedicated political science majors, would love to see someone who at least remotely knows what they are talking about- write political articles.

    Mr. Bush can voice his rather bizarre opinions on his Facebook page, but it comes as an embarrassment to this school and to our paper that he continues to write about national politics without any earthly idea about what he is writing. I would hope there is someone more qualified on the Spectator’s staff to write about political stories in a professional manner; if not I recommend we go back to the days when the officers of the College Republicans and College Democrats held friendly debates inside the pages of the Spectator.

    Either way, you are the writers of our student newspaper, all other Universities student papers include stories addressing national politics, it is time our paper does the same by having someone with at least a slight knowledge in politics write these respective articles.

    Thanks and God bless:
    Donovan Head

    Donovan Head
    Chairman
    Valdosta State College Republicans
    (404) 909-0758
    tdhead@valdosta.edu

  3. I loved this, especially the ending.

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