Blazers, the petty arguments in Congress have brought our government to a standstill. The war between Democrats and Republicans has become so bad that our country can no longer be productive. Fear not, however, for I have a solution that will allow our nation to move forward and without interruption by clubhouse politics.
America, we must kill off one of these political parties.
It might sound unsettling at first but the genius is in its simplicity. First, we need to have a special election to determine the most popular political party in America. As we have learned from “American Idol” and high school, popularity will accurately determine a party’s worth. The most popular party, in theory, must be more efficient at running the country than the other or else it wouldn’t be so popular.
Second, the voters under the losing party will have their voter registration removed for no less than eight years. This will give the losers enough time to attend new and mandatory government sponsored political seminars, which will teach them how to vote correctly. Losers who do not cooperate with these new policies will be labeled as traitors and be dealt with in a manner that best suits the newly elected dominant party.
For instance, the Republican Party will most likely execute designated traitors and use their corpses as a foundation of a great wall that will separate America and Mexico. Also, under the return of the Bush Tax Cut, the possessions of these traitors will be ceased and given to the rich.
Democrats, I assume, will probably harvest the organs of designated traitors in order to support their uncontested universal health care program. Perhaps they can also use them to start up stem-cell research again. Of course, the property of these traitors will be distributed among the poor, which will be legal under the conditions of the Democrat Tax Cut.
And if I can be so bold, I suggest that the Senators of the losing party be sacrificed in order to appease the great and powerful DOW. It’s not that I think it would work, but we seem to have exhausted all other ideas to stimulate the economy. If anything, this will solve our problem with Homeland Security. No group in the world would dare attack a country that sacrifices their own to the stock market Gods.
By now, I’m sure you have realized the genius of this proposal. Regardless of which party wins, America benefits. In this country, we are blessed with two strong political parties that can do no wrong. The only reason why we think they mess up is because both parties continue to sabotage one another in the political ring. However, that will become a thing of the past.
Whether it’s a nation of gun wielding, rich-awarding, insurance scams or a utopian system that takes our hand and taxes everything that isn’t good for us like an overprotective mother, America will finally be perfect.
And THAT, Sarah Palin, is sarcasm.